Being with someone who understands your sexual needs perfectly without even saying a word can be very special. Someone who just “gets you”, who understands your innermost unexpressed needs. It’s like they were just made to fit into your life like a glove and there is that undeniable spark between you two that defies explanation. And sometimes you may catch yourself wondering if this is what it feels like to be sexually compatible with your partner.
Definition Of Sexual Compatibility
While chemistry is the word commonly attached to romantic relationships, compatibility especially when it comes to sex cannot be so easily defined. There is no one specific definition for sexual compatibility, but experts explain this term as a mesh of sexual interests, preferences, dislikes, and beliefs between sexual partners. It is how your body and mind move in sync with your partner during sex. Everything they do just feels perfect and right, you love and resonate with the way they kiss and touch you. You both have similar interests in what turns you on and what turns you off with regard to sexual techniques and preferences.
The concept of sexual compatibility is largely misunderstood. Sexual compatibility does not equate to having amazing sex all the time, likewise having a one-off spark with your partner does not mean you are incompatible. Chemistry during sex can wane and fade with time and it can also build up over time. The most important aspect of compatibility is effective communication. It is being able to have an open conversation with your partner about where you both stand where bedroom matters are concerned. You could both be on the same page on the frequency of your sexual activities or the types of sexual acts you prefer.
Sometimes, these interests may change and your ability to reach an agreement as your needs and preferences evolve is called being sexually compatible. Although research on sexual compatibility is extremely limited, it has been linked with greater sexual satisfaction. It stands to reason that the more compatible you are with your partner during sex, the greater your sexual satisfaction. If you and your partner are on the same page with your emotions and body in the bedroom, you are less likely to be displeased and more likely to be happier and satisfied.
Some experts also believe that sexual compatibility is about perception. According to their line of reason, perceived compatibility can also count as actual compatibility, more like the placebo effect. If there is that established belief that you and your partner are compatible even when you don’t like the same things, you will be mentally, emotionally, and sexually satisfied with the relationship.
Whether this theory holds true or not, the bottom line is, sexual compatibility can be subjective, but it all comes down to “shared or complementary interests and preferences”, which can be narrowed down into what we may call the sexual compatibility list that is outlined below :
- What sex means to you and your partner: What’s the end goal for sex, are you having sex just for the release, to connect or just for the sake of it?
- Preferred frequency and duration of sex: How often do you have sex? Do you both like to have sex every now and then, does she seem more engaged during anniversaries or during special occasions or does he prefer to have sex just once a week?. Do you both want to go many rounds or call it a day after 5 minutes?
- What turns you on and turns you off: Do you both despise missionary style and prefer kinky positions. Does he detest foreplay and prefers to go straight into business? Does your skin crawl when you have to kiss him?
- Where you like to have sex (environment): Are you bedroom buddies, or you both prefer to be adventurous? Do you hate it when he insists on switching the lights on or do you both prefer to have the lights off while soft background music plays?
- Sexual libido: Sex drive can change over time due to factors like pregnancy, stress, work, and the likes. So how do you handle this change? Do you have an honest conversation about this or pretend everything is fine while you secretly fume with resentment.
If you and your partner have similar, exact, or complementary interests in the listed characteristics above, then you both may be considered sexually compatible. But how do you identify these basic characteristics that measure your compatibility radar?
10 SIGNS YOU ARE SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE
In a bid to find answers to that nagging question of “are we sexually compatible or not? ” You probably might have been trying your luck with the sexual compatibility calculator or hoping your sexual compatibility zodiac sign will match. While astrology and mathematical figures may provide you with accurate answers, you have a better chance at gauging your compatibility by looking out for these signs :
- Watch out for that spark and chemistry. Although this may sound cliche and a little bit obvious, chemistry in a relationship can sometimes be overlooked. Identifying that spark between you and your partner is a good way to start if you are looking to gauge your sexual compatibility, especially when the relationship is still new. If you both have chemistry even outside the bedroom, it will be easier to develop a spark in the bedroom.
- You both have the same sexual expectations. People idealize sex differently. For some, sex means achieving orgasm, some consider it a perfunctory act, some use it as a means to explore, while for some others, it is an avenue to bond and connects. If you and your partner don’t feel the same way about sex, then your compatibility radar may be shaky. Perhaps you only want to get a blissful release from sex without putting in too much effort, while your partner desires intimacy and emotional connection. If this is the case, one person might be left feeling dissatisfied and displeased at the end of the sexual activity, which can gradually build up into resentment at the later part of the relationship. It is important you lay it bare with each other on what you hope to derive out of sex. If your interests are related and negotiable, you just may score high on the compatibility radar.
3. The effort doesn’t go unnoticed. If your partner goes out of their way to keep the spark alive in the bedroom, you can consider them a keeper. Everyone knows it takes a great deal of effort to keep sex interesting over a long period of time. Say you have been married for many years, and your spouse is always at home with new and fun ways to make you happy between the sheets, your compatibility, in this case, shouldn’t be up for much debate. Even if the relationship is new, and they make sure to pay attention to your sexual needs or even ask upfront what you’d prefer, then you just might be on the road to compatibility.
- It’s about quality and not quantity. Remember how sexual frequency appeared on the compatibility list, there was a reason. Just because your sex life is very active does not mean you are compatible. You could be having sex frequently and not be satisfied if you are not on the same page with your partner. It is not about how many times, but how well it is being carried out. Sexually compatible partners value quality a lot more than quantity. They care about satisfying their partner and meeting their needs each time they have sex, even if it isn’t often. They also understand when their partner is not open to having sex frequently due to one or two reasons. And besides, when the sex is of good quality, it has a good chance of becoming regular.
5. They are willing to compromise. If your partner is always willing to accommodate your requests and suggestions in the bedroom, then that’s a good indication that you are compatible. It is an extreme gesture of sexual kindness to try a new sexual position or environment, one you may not naturally be inclined towards but do it all the same just because it pleases your partner. The ability to consider your needs is an act of compatibility in itself.
- The difference is not that big. Sometimes it is impossible for two people to have the same exact preferences when it comes to sex. However, there should be a considerable amount of similarities. If your differences cannot be bridged by compromise or are not even negotiable at all, you may still be farther down the road from compatibility. But if there isn’t a huge gap in your differences and you can both compromise to mesh your interests, then compatibility is just a step closer to your door. If your partner loves to explore and you are not big on the kinky side of sex, you may decide to give in to their request and surprisingly find that you enjoy it too. Sometimes compatibility is not outrightly visible, you may need to explore unchartered territories to find it.
- The chemistry is still alive even outside the bedroom. With compatibility, the spark that keeps your bedroom activities alive should not end in the bedroom. To be compatible can also mean that you keep texting each other some” hot and sexy stuff” that makes you want to devour each other the minute you get a chance to be together again. You catch their eyes from across the room and it sends shivers down your intimate parts. You are both big on PDA and seize any opportunity you get to hold hands and touch each other in public.
- You respect each other’s sexual history. Sexual compatibility can also mean that you and your partner take extra care to respect your sordid or unpleasant sexual past and try not to incite any triggers that may be sensitive to the other person. You are also mindful not to expose your partner to the same acts or things that traumatized them when you have sex.
- You are at ease with each other. You may be on the same sexual page with your partner if they don’t make you uncomfortable or insecure. In the bedroom, You are generally at ease around them. They don’t give you any reasons to measure up or try too hard to please them. Although you may go above and beyond to please them in every way, you are not doing it because you want to be perfect in their eyes, but you do it simply because you want to make them happier and more sexually satisfied. And the best part, they appreciate every effort you put in to make your sex life more spicy and interesting.
- They are open to communication. Saved the most important for the last. A couple’s ability to communicate openly and honestly about sex without fear or obligation goes a long way to determine their sexual compatibility. Communication is the key to sexual expression. If your partner is willing to share their sexual preferences, likes, and dislikes with you, then it’s a good sign. Communication will also help you iron out your differences. It also makes it easier to determine compatibility than searching for obvious and not so obvious signs.
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE WITH YOUR PARTNER.
Have you ever caught yourself wondering what it feels to be sexually incompatible with your partner? Well, wonder no more. Here are some signs that may help you gauge your compatibility status:
- You are always distracted during sex and can’t wait to get it done and over with. It is okay to feel out of it at times, but if it happens on a regular basis, something is quite not right and it just might be the compatibility
- You find yourself making flimsy excuses when your partner brings up sex. You even go as far as faking a sickness just to avoid the sheets.
- You completely hate the thought of getting laid. Just thinking about it, fills you with dread. You consider sex with your partner a necessary evil.
- You’ve lost interest in sex because somewhere along the line, it began to look more like a routine. Nothing excites you anymore and your partner barely even notices nor tries to spice things up.
- You are always the one who gives all the pleasure and your partner never makes any effort to reciprocate your kindness. You feel like you are alone on the ship and your partner doesn’t care.
- And the most obvious, you can’t seem to find a common ground where your sexual preferences are concerned. You place so much value on sex in your relationship, but your partner doesn’t see what all the fuss about sex is.
HOW TO BE MORE SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE WITH YOUR PARTNER
So what happens when you discover that you are not sexually compatible with your partner? Do you just give up and quit the relationship or file for a divorce? You sure don’t want to find yourself saying something like “the wife says no spark” when asked the reason for your divorce. So how do you make it work if you find that you are not sexually compatible with your husband or partner? Well, here are some tips that may help save your sexually incompatible relationship :
Accept the incompatibility
Your first point of action is to accept that you are not compatible. Yes, sexual incompatibility can leave you questioning your marriage or relationship, and accepting that you are incompatible may sometimes be difficult. You may want to look for other areas of the relationship to put the blame on, but acceptance is the only easy way out. Again, communication plays a key role here. Talk to your partner and make them see how your sex life is affecting the relationship. You will likely argue back and forth about it and reach an understanding at the end of the day. Isn’t that the point of a healthy relationship? To disagree to agree?.
Be willing to work on it
once you’ve had the compatibility discussion, your next line of action should be finding a solution. You and your partner should be willing to put in the effort to resolve your compatibility issues. Make room for negotiation and compromise.
Switch things up
If you are the person with the least sexual drive, you should try stepping up your game. If you are always the receiver, try being the giver for a day and see how things unfold. It wouldn’t hurt to switch roles for a better and healthier sexual life.
Consider sex therapy
You can choose to enlist the help of a sex professional to help you sift through your compatibility issues. Sex therapy will show you how to navigate incompatibility and if successful, you and your partner can become compatible or nearly compatible.
It is okay to have sexual compatibility issues in your relationship. That you are not compatible at the moment, doesn’t mean all hope is lost. If there is still room for adjustment, an open honest conversation and negotiation can solve this. And if you’ve tried all possible means to ignite the spark in your sexual activities and it doesn’t work, it is fine to let go. There is no such thing as a perfect couple.